Personal Ads Decoded

FIRST THE WOMEN:
§         40-ish ............... 49
§         Adventurer.....Has had more partners than you ever will
§         Athletic.......................Flat-chested
§         Average looking.......... Ugly
§         Beautiful..................... Pathological liar
§         Contagious smile......... Bring your penicillin
§         Educated ................... College dropout
§         Emotionally secure....... Medicated
§         Feminist....................... Fat; a ball buster
§         Free spirit.................... Substance user
§         Friendship First......... Trying to live down a reputation as a slut
§         Fun........................... Annoying & Talks A Lot
§         Gentle ..................... Comatose
§         Good listener ........... Borderline autistic
§         New-age ....................Body Piercing &/or Tattoos
§         Old-fashioned ........... Lights out, missionary position only
§         Open-minded ............. Desperate
§         Outgoing.................... Loud
§         Passionate.................. Loud
§         Poet..................... .....Depressive schizophrenic
§         Professional...............Aggressive &/or Overbearing
§         Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section
§         Reubenesque..............Fat
§         Romantic.................. Looks better by candlelight
§         Voluptuous............... Grossly Fat
§         Weight proportional to height......Watch Out!!
§         Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking
§         Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death
§         Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:
§         40-ish...................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
§         Athletic................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
§         Average looking...Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
§         Educated..............Will always treat you like an idiot
§         Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister
§         Friendship first..... As long as friendship includes touching & nudity.
§         Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
§         Good looking.........Arrogant
§         Honest....................Pathological liar
§         Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo
§         Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent
§         Mature ...................Until you get to know him
§         Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
§         Physically fit............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
§         Poet....................... Has written on a bathroom stall
§         Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
§         Stable..................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested